Somewhere along the way, we started believing that if we just keep telling kids how amazing they are, they’ll magically become confident, resilient little humans. So, we doubled down on self-esteem culture: praise them constantly, shield them from failure, and hand out participation trophies like candy. It feels good in the moment, right?

But here’s the hard truth: self-esteem culture is failing our kids. Instead of creating confident kids who can handle life’s curveballs, we’re seeing more children who struggle when things get tough. By trying so hard to make them feel good, we’re robbing them of the opportunity to grow through challenges, develop real confidence, and learn resilience.

So, what’s really going wrong with this over-praise approach? And more importantly, how can we shift the narrative to raise kids who are truly strong—not just on the outside, but where it counts most: inside.

The Real Problem with Self-Esteem Culture

1. Over-Praising Leads to Fragile Confidence

Imagine a child being told over and over again, “You’re the best! You’re so smart! You’re perfect just the way you are!” Sounds uplifting, right? But here’s the catch—when kids hear this all the time, they start to depend on it. And the moment they face a situation where they don’t automatically succeed? That confidence comes crashing down.

Fragile confidence is built on the idea that you’re only worthy when you’re constantly succeeding. What happens when that child encounters a math problem they can’t solve or doesn’t make the soccer team? Instead of being motivated to try harder, they feel like a failure. Why? Because they’ve been taught that being great is all about getting it right on the first try, not about effort or growth.

2. Failure is Where the Magic Happens

Somewhere along the way, failure got a bad rap. But here’s the secret: failure is a good thing. It’s where kids learn to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and try again. But self-esteem culture sees failure as the enemy, something to avoid at all costs. We rush in to fix things, to make sure our kids don’t feel bad, and in the process, we strip them of one of life’s greatest teachers—adversity.

When kids are shielded from failure, they miss out on learning resilience. And here’s the kicker: resilience is what makes them stronger. It’s what helps them navigate the ups and downs of life without crumbling when things don’t go their way.

3. Participation Trophies: The Feel-Good Trap

We’ve all seen it: the participation trophy handed out to every kid on the team, no matter how they performed. It’s a feel-good moment, sure. But over time, this well-meaning gesture sends a confusing message: you don’t have to work for success.

While participation trophies are meant to boost self-esteem, they can actually devalue effort and achievement. When everything is rewarded equally, kids start to believe that just showing up is enough. There’s no incentive to push themselves or to learn the satisfaction of working hard to achieve something real. And that’s a problem.

How Self-Esteem Culture Weakens Kids

1. Fear of Challenges

When kids are constantly praised and protected from failure, they develop a fear of challenges. Why would they want to risk trying something new if they might fail? In their world, failure isn’t just a setback—it’s a threat to their identity. So they avoid it altogether, sticking to what they know and never pushing their limits.

But real confidence comes from doing hard things, not from sticking to what’s easy. Kids need to feel the discomfort of challenges to grow. When self-esteem culture shields them from those experiences, it’s like bubble-wrapping their potential. Safe, sure—but not growing.

2. Dependency on External Validation

Another downside of self-esteem culture is that it trains kids to rely on external validation. They start to believe that their worth is based on what others say about them, not what they know about themselves. And when that external praise isn’t there? Their confidence takes a hit.

Instead of developing internal resilience, kids become dependent on constant feedback from others to feel good about themselves. And that’s a dangerous cycle. We want to raise kids who are self-assured because they believe in their own abilities—not because someone else tells them they’re great.

3. It Leaves Them Emotionally Fragile

Kids who grow up in self-esteem culture often struggle with emotional resilience. Because they’ve never been allowed to feel the sting of failure or frustration, they don’t know how to handle those emotions when they inevitably come. Shielding kids from tough emotions leaves them unprepared for the real world, where things don’t always go according to plan.

True strength comes from being able to face disappointment, frustration, and sadness—and come out stronger on the other side. When we take away those experiences, we leave our kids emotionally vulnerable.

What Our Kids Really Need: Building Real Resilience

1. Praise Effort, Not Results

Instead of constantly telling kids how amazing they are, let’s shift the focus to praising effort. Effort is where growth happens. When we teach kids that it’s not about being perfect, but about trying, learning, and improving, we give them the tools they need to tackle challenges head-on.

By celebrating effort, we help kids develop a growth mindset—the belief that they can improve with practice and persistence. This kind of mindset builds real confidence, the kind that doesn’t crumble in the face of adversity.

2. Let Them Fail—And Learn From It

Let’s stop protecting kids from failure and start embracing it as part of the process. When kids fail, they learn how to persevere. They learn that it’s okay to struggle, and that success isn’t about never failing—it’s about learning from mistakes and coming back stronger.

When kids are allowed to fail, they develop the resilience they need to navigate life’s ups and downs with grace and strength. And that’s what we should really be teaching them.

3. Teach Them How to Manage Their Emotions

Part of raising resilient kids is teaching them emotional intelligence. Instead of avoiding tough emotions like frustration or disappointment, we need to teach kids how to navigate them. Help them understand that it’s okay to feel upset or sad, but also show them how to process those feelings and move forward.

When kids learn to handle their emotions, they become more resilient, more confident, and better equipped to handle whatever life throws at them.

Moving Beyond Self-Esteem Culture

So, here’s the bottom line: self-esteem culture is missing the mark. By over-praising, protecting kids from failure, and handing out participation trophies, we’re actually weakening our kids—not making them stronger. But it’s not too late to turn things around.

We can start by focusing on building resilience, praising effort over results, and allowing kids to learn from their failures. That’s how we raise strong, confident, and emotionally intelligent kids who can face life’s challenges with courage and grit. Let’s give them the tools they need to thrive—not just in the classroom or on the playground, but in life.

FAQs

Is too much praise bad for kids?
Yes, too much praise can make kids reliant on external validation, weakening their ability to build internal confidence and resilience.

How can I help my child face challenges?
Encourage effort, not perfection. Let them fail and learn from it. Focus on their growth, not just the outcome, and teach them how to manage their emotions during tough times.

Why do participation trophies weaken kids?
Participation trophies devalue effort by rewarding kids equally, regardless of performance. Kids need to learn that success comes from hard work and perseverance, not just showing up.

How do I teach my child resilience?
Allow them to fail and let them know it’s okay to struggle. Praise their effort, teach them how to manage their emotions, and guide them through the process of learning from their mistakes.